The day we decided to pursue Donor Egg IVF to build our family was the day I knew I would be a mom. I cried happy tears after hanging up the phone with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. Still, the road ahead was somewhat overwhelming and complex. As a thank you for reading our book, I have put together some pieces of advice that I found helpful while navigating this path. I hope you can find them useful as well.
Where appropriate, I included links to webpages, articles, and other resources you might find helpful.
*Everyone’s situation is different, so I welcome individual questions from our readers at any time.
Disclosure: I am not trained or licensed to give medical advice (or any advice for that matter). This document was written based on my own personal experience and the most frequently asked questions I get from friends or acquaintances who are considering donor egg IVF. The text below is based on personal experience and opinion.
- Let yourself grieve
If you are pursuing donor egg you have likely already done previous cycles with your own eggs, and they were likely unsuccessful. I’m sorry. It can be so hard to endure the physical and emotional stress of a cycle only to have it result in yet another negative. I suggest you only move on to donor egg when you are absolutely ready and feel that you have exhausted any other option you wanted to try. Donor egg is expensive and complicated, both logistically and emotionally, so you need to be ready for it in every way. Donor egg is a beautiful option for those of us who are not able to use our own eggs, but it isn’t the answer for everyone and that’s okay.
- Discuss timelines and specifics with your clinic
Once you decide this is the answer for you, you’ll be excited to get going but some of the steps take a bit of time. I suggest you meet with your doctor or a specialized coordinator at your clinic to talk about the donor egg process and timeline. It’s important to understand what you can anticipate for step of the process, so your expectations are in check.
Before you commit to the process its also important that you understand the financial commitment. Donor egg is a beautiful option, but it comes with expenses that will not be covered by insurance, such as a donor agency fee, attorney fees and donor medications. Be sure to have a thorough conversation with a financial coordinator at your clinic to understand what you will be responsible for.
- Frozen vs Fresh Cycles
This a really important decision you will need to make early on in your process. A frozen cycle will happen a little faster and could be a less expensive option, but you will likely receive less eggs. If you anticipate wanting more than one baby from the same donor most doctors and clinics will recommend a fresh cycle. Below are a few links with helpful explanations of frozen and fresh cycles.
I chose a fresh cycle because we had hoped for two children and wanted them to be from the same donor cycle, but everyone’s situation is different. I do recommend researching your options before starting your search for a donor.
Conceiveabilities – Fresh vs Frozen
My Egg Bank Blog – Fresh or Frozen
- Choosing Your Donor
When it’s time to start researching donors you will want to make a list of your priorities. Many women want to choose a potential donor who has similar features to them. Even when we let go of the idea of passing on our DNA it’s perfectly common to hope our children have similar features to us like eye color, height or interests like sports or art. In my search, I insisted that our donor have blue eyes like me. We also looked for someone who was well-rounded in terms of academics and extra-curricular activities.
You will need to decide if a proven donor, someone who has had a previous successful donor cycle, is important to you. No cycle is guaranteed to be a success, but you may feel more confident in a donor that has already experienced a cycle and had good results.
Depending on where you live, you might need to decide if you are exclusively looking at donors local to your area or if you would consider someone in another part of the country, or even an international donor. Decide ahead of time if you are only considering local donors because it may decrease your pool of options.
- Should You Share
Whether or not to share with family and/or friends that you used an egg donor is a very important decision to make prior to starting the process. The manner in which you conceive your children and build your family is nobody’s business but your own and your children’s. You are not obligated to share your journey with anyone except the children. That being said, I have found, since publicly sharing my story, that anyone who knows I used donor egg has been nothing but supportive and happy for my family.
In regard to the question of whether or not to share the truth with any children conceived, I feel very strongly that the only answer is yes. In my opinion, donor conceived children must be told their story truthfully or risk deep feelings of confusion and shame. Below, I have listed several resources you can visit to learn more about why this is so important.
Parents.com – Explaining sperm/ egg donors to children
- List of questions for your clinic
I remember my first meeting with the donor reproduction team at my clinic. I couldn’t wait and was so excited to get started but I was so eager to take the first steps I could barely concentrate during the visit. I have made a list of questions you might want to ask during your meeting, and I recommend you add your own and write them down to bring with you. Make sure you understand the answers before moving on to the next question.
- What does the process look like and what are the preliminary steps you need to take?
- What is a typical timeline?
- Are there in-house donors or should you work with an agency?
- Is there a shared cycle or guaranteed cycle program?
- What agencies do they work with and recommend?
- Do they offer both frozen and fresh cycles?
- What is there screening process for donors
- What information about the donor will be available to you?
- How often will you receive updates on your donor?
- Who is your contact for questions and updates?
Additional Resources – Below are a few more resources I have found helpful in my journey.
Three Makes A Baby – Jana Rupnow
Happy Together
Mommy Was Your Tummy Big